Well this is how the story goes, i'll spill it here once and pry never say it again and pry add on to this post alittle as i go on more and feel like sharing more. Everyone says they understand what your going thru when your sick, but it's a hard thing to do unless you've been down that road, I know i've said this to people before and now see how i was completely wrong i had no idea what they were going thru...
Click the read more to see what i'm babbling about :)
Click the read more to see what i'm babbling about :)
Well, it's like this, its sucks ass, i've been sick now for well over a year and have the pain come and go, I've been misdiagnosed a few times, from small things like food poisoning all the way to having a pulmonary embolism in my lungs (which they actually hospitalized me and put me on treatment for right away and which actually soon as they saw their mistake quickly took me off before they did more damage).
When it all started i even had a few doc's telling me I was just a hypochondriac, and even as much as telling me the medical tests i had done came out fine (which i later found out it was a different story, THANKS ALOT KADLEC ER DOCTOR SUSAN WHITTAKER! which i should pry sue as i later found out this mistake could have killed me if left unfound)
People don't realize what it's like when you've had an illness for this long and still not quite sure what it is and what is the cause, you get these random, sometimes severe pains and your expected just to deal with it. It's all a bit unnerving to me at least. I used to get a sharp pain in my back that would gradually spread into my left arm and chest with a tightness and sometimes heavy breathe and heart palpitations. These pains were sometimes to severe that it would send me to my knees. After awhile i had a fear of even going anywhere as when these would come on i had no idea what was going on just that i was in intense pain to the point sometimes of blacking out from it. As time went on it also started to include sharp pains in my head which later developed into intense pain thru out the entire head also. All in all i was a complete mess and hurt from head to toe. I remember days when i was just not even want to wake up and just stay curled up in a ball in bed because when i was awake i was only in pain and at least asleep i was at peace.
As time went on i've had three surgeries since October of 08. Even though i don't have as intense pain anymore as i used to the pains still come and go randomly it's still abit unsettling as there is still the chance i could have a tumor. I have two doctors opinions on this one which believes i have it and it's just not big enough to show up in the scan's i've had done, and another doctor which has told me there is nothing there and my blood work is just elevated because that's just how my blood is. So not knowing for sure is still always in the back of my mind. People will tell me to just live my life and not think about it, and that's the only way to get back to normal. What these people don't realize is they have not been down this path and doing that is not as easy as they think.
It's completely different when you've had to go thru certain things, the surgeries although went off without complications. The recoveries have been horrible and painful. Until you know what it's like when you feel your body struggling to cling to stay alive when something starts to fail, you'll know why it's hard to keep my head up at times. When you are laying there with tubes coming out of your face, arms, spine and other locations, probes stuck to your chest and hands it's a whole new ballgame. you suddenly realize your not the untouchable man anymore and this could be it.
People don't realize this new life i have now, is no life at all, it's as if i'm a prisoner within my own skin. I'm not able to go out and enjoy life as i used to, i can't go take a trip simply out of town to visit friends anymore, i can't go see a concert of a great act i really wanna see, i can't just go out to a dance or party that some good friends are throwing and stop by to say hi or congratulations. I'm stuck here, why cuz when the pains come on all i can do is lay down and take it till it passes, when i do go out to friends homes here in town, i just grin and bare it as much as i can till it passes while i'm at their home. so as not to cause them alarm or worry as i'm having an episode.
Pain has become a new way of life for me, I live with it everyday and i would pry honestly feel wierd now without it as i've been with it so long. :) all i can hope for is the day it all just goes away and i can get on with my life, and appreciate those that have helped make this time in my life more tolerable and realize the ones that i thought were friends and only added to the fact were not really worth anything in the end and helped to appreciate those others that were even more for putting up with someone they didn't have to but wanted to because they honestly know what it meant to be a friend...
When it all started i even had a few doc's telling me I was just a hypochondriac, and even as much as telling me the medical tests i had done came out fine (which i later found out it was a different story, THANKS ALOT KADLEC ER DOCTOR SUSAN WHITTAKER! which i should pry sue as i later found out this mistake could have killed me if left unfound)
People don't realize what it's like when you've had an illness for this long and still not quite sure what it is and what is the cause, you get these random, sometimes severe pains and your expected just to deal with it. It's all a bit unnerving to me at least. I used to get a sharp pain in my back that would gradually spread into my left arm and chest with a tightness and sometimes heavy breathe and heart palpitations. These pains were sometimes to severe that it would send me to my knees. After awhile i had a fear of even going anywhere as when these would come on i had no idea what was going on just that i was in intense pain to the point sometimes of blacking out from it. As time went on it also started to include sharp pains in my head which later developed into intense pain thru out the entire head also. All in all i was a complete mess and hurt from head to toe. I remember days when i was just not even want to wake up and just stay curled up in a ball in bed because when i was awake i was only in pain and at least asleep i was at peace.
As time went on i've had three surgeries since October of 08. Even though i don't have as intense pain anymore as i used to the pains still come and go randomly it's still abit unsettling as there is still the chance i could have a tumor. I have two doctors opinions on this one which believes i have it and it's just not big enough to show up in the scan's i've had done, and another doctor which has told me there is nothing there and my blood work is just elevated because that's just how my blood is. So not knowing for sure is still always in the back of my mind. People will tell me to just live my life and not think about it, and that's the only way to get back to normal. What these people don't realize is they have not been down this path and doing that is not as easy as they think.
It's completely different when you've had to go thru certain things, the surgeries although went off without complications. The recoveries have been horrible and painful. Until you know what it's like when you feel your body struggling to cling to stay alive when something starts to fail, you'll know why it's hard to keep my head up at times. When you are laying there with tubes coming out of your face, arms, spine and other locations, probes stuck to your chest and hands it's a whole new ballgame. you suddenly realize your not the untouchable man anymore and this could be it.
People don't realize this new life i have now, is no life at all, it's as if i'm a prisoner within my own skin. I'm not able to go out and enjoy life as i used to, i can't go take a trip simply out of town to visit friends anymore, i can't go see a concert of a great act i really wanna see, i can't just go out to a dance or party that some good friends are throwing and stop by to say hi or congratulations. I'm stuck here, why cuz when the pains come on all i can do is lay down and take it till it passes, when i do go out to friends homes here in town, i just grin and bare it as much as i can till it passes while i'm at their home. so as not to cause them alarm or worry as i'm having an episode.
Pain has become a new way of life for me, I live with it everyday and i would pry honestly feel wierd now without it as i've been with it so long. :) all i can hope for is the day it all just goes away and i can get on with my life, and appreciate those that have helped make this time in my life more tolerable and realize the ones that i thought were friends and only added to the fact were not really worth anything in the end and helped to appreciate those others that were even more for putting up with someone they didn't have to but wanted to because they honestly know what it meant to be a friend...
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